A Stalker’s Diary: Winning Entry from My Lover’s Diary Contest

By Dr. Bindu Menon

7th February 2013

Today was mostly uneventful. I went to work as usual.It was getting cold.I had to put on a jacket to get cosy as I walked along Brigade Road. I saw her briefly at the burger joint with a few friends,then she vanished from sight. I then took a bus back home. I must send her a message I don’t like her walking around with so many boys. They may be just friends but I can’t tolerate the idea of someone sitting close to her, watching her as she smiles that slow smile beginning from the corner of her lips and going all the way to her eyes. I cant bear it that she should turn those lovely eyes and that beautiful smile on any person but me. I might be insanely jealous but then I love her so much. She is mine and only mine.

I remembered the day I first met her. I had gone to pay my insurance bill. She looked at me and smiled as she sat at the counter and took the money. I still remember her low melodious voice as she told me that I had paid an extra 50 rupees. As she gave the money back to me, I knew that something had changed in me that moment on. Her glance had melted the marrow in my bones. It is almost a year now. Strangely enough, it was February 14th, Valentine’s Day when I had met the love of my life

8th Feb 2013

I was very upset today. I saw her with her friends at the bus stop .They all stopped talking and were glaring at me. She too was looking angrily at me. It upset me and I decided to walk away. I heard one of them say-‘ What a psycho!’.Then, as I turned back they were all laughing and making fun of me. I was not upset because the others did it. I was upset that she too joined them in ridiculing me. Maybe she is ashamed of me. After all, who am I? Just a lowly clerk in a Government office. She is weak and frivolous, yet I love her and forgive her. All she gives me is sorrow. I sent her an SMS to express how deeply pained I was. As usual there was no reply. Then I got very angry. I sent her one message after another. I scolded, I pleaded, I cajoled and threatened. I tried to evoke some response from her. Who did she think she was? How dare she treat me like this? I have no thought but her in my head now. There is not a single moment that I don’t think of her. How can she not respond to such a deep true love like mine? If she did not agree to be mine, I no longer wanted to live. These were the sentiments expressed in my messages. There was no response. I am going to bed now. It is almost 2 in the morning and I am exhausted and emotionally drained. I had sent the last message at 1.20 a.m.

9th Feb 2013

Dont feel like writing anything today. What is the use? I did not go to office today. For the first time in the last 1 year, I did not go to her office either. I did not ‘hang around like a rowdy’ and ‘disturb her’ as she had once angrily told me. Will she miss me today? Sometimes I hate myself. Have I no self respect? I sent her the usual messages expressing my angst at her ignoring me. There was no reply. I then threatened her saying that I would kill myself if she did not agree to meet and talk to me.

10th Feb 2013

When the day began today, I had no idea that I would be experiencing ecstasy and agony all in the same 24 hours. I got up late as it was a sunday. I felt too groggy to get out of bed. As is my practise, the first thing I did was to check for messages on my mobile. I had not lost hope that one day she would acknowledge my love and the pain I was going through for her. I was rewarded. There was a message from her! It was just a line-‘Meet me at Spice cafe near Sridhar Cinema at 11 a.m’, it read. I could not believe my eyes. My heart was performing gymnastics as I read and re-read the message. Finally my love and persistence had won! I checked the clock. It was 9.30 in the morning. I jumped up out of bed, all my fatigue all gone. I was on top of the world. I reached the cafe at 10.30 and ordered a coffee for myself as I waited. Time had never seemed to crawl as much as it had in that half hour. She came with two tough looking guys. My spirits sank. It seemed most inauspicious. I knew it meant trouble. The men sat next to me almost crowding me in an attempt to intimidate as she sat opposite me and said ‘I have been tolerating your nonsense for the last 1 year and I am here to tell you that I am not going to take it any longer. First you kept making those phone calls to my office. Then when I blocked them you continue to harass me with messages all through the night. You follow me around everywhere and hang around my office. What do you hope to achieve? You think any girl will care for you if keep up this harassment. Maybe you need to see a psychiatrist. It is only out of pity that I had kept quiet so far. Now It is getting to be a bit too much, I warn you, if you continue this harassment, I am going to the police.” her voice rising in indignation. Meanwhile, one of her goons caught me by the lapel of my jacket and growled, “You heard the lady. If you continue to do this, we will handle you first before the police do. So, keep off, you hear?”

‘Psycho!’ they spat as the three of them walked out. All this had taken just 10 minutes. I sat there stunned as my world collapsed around me.

14th Feb 2013

I really don’t know what had happened over the last few days. I think the neighbours took me to the hospital. All I do remember is that I had taken a whole lot of pills to drown out the clamour in my head. I am seeing a psychiatrist today, but I think I am actually ok now. She was undeserving. I had made a mistake in loving her. I am not going to destroy myself over such an ingratiate. The student nurse, the one with the curly hair was fussing over me. ‘How do you feel now?’ she asked me with an angelic smile. ‘I am ok.’ I said. As I remembered my humiliation, there was a fresh stab of pain in my heart and my tears flowed. Sally, that was her name, took my hand and asked me to tell her everything. As I unburdened myself to her, I felt a great sense of relief. I think she really likes me. I must remember to take her phone number