There's this 16-year old girl going for coaching classes to an institute that teaches for IITJEE (before exams were combined) and other exams. She, though, is a girl who basically likes the sight of trees, the feel of wind and living in the moment. Her life is full of little things of joy. At this institute, she is put off by a teacher. After he talks with her for half an hour and with a few of his classes, she begins to feel okay. Her life continues with her litte pleasures-- pleasures that you suddenly catch while on a bus, from the world for you outside a window. The kind f feelings that she has felt or still harbours for many a lady are revealed. She knows herself to be gay. Back at the institute, she finds this teacher's classes very interesting and emazing, be it about an electron or a photon and the teacher impressive. She shares many a moment slghtly humorous in her interactions with him , even as she continues to feel scared of him. She is seen to do well in his classes and the teacher too is a little impressed with her performance. But twice this teacher insults her terribly, probablywithout meaning it and the second time it goes a little too far
The next week he very gently gives her a talk that, unknown to her, begins to change her aspirations... about IIT, for one as well as perceptions of him. She was already feeling concerned for him because of his eccessive arrogance, a lot of whch he had been showing in the previous few days. At the same time, she discovers growing respect in her for him after that talk, which displayed his honesty and his recognition for potential in her, potential she didn't believe she had. He wants her to do well at IITJEE and thinks she can, which she didn't. She too now wants to because he wants.
While she continues to find his classes interesting, even beautiful, she now finds him maddeningly attractive. Her feelings soon turn deeper-- into love, complete with her feeling concern followed by frustration if he is frustrated and guilt if she disappoints him. she continually wants to impress him. But only academically. She doesn't want him to know that she has feelings for him-- love.
He is a scary and awe-inspiring guy who is decent in the traditionally social sense. 14 and a half yars her senior, her teacher and married, he is among those who would rebuke her if she has feelings, not encourage or even understand. Much worse than rebuke maybe. Be outraged, maybe. She wants him never to know she loves him.
As she feels the delightful flutterings of new-found love, life is paradise for her, especially on the bus home right after his classes. She is not upset because she couldn't think of expecting reciprocity or understanding about this from him and we don't cry over what we couldn't expect in the first place. As her heart flies out if the bus window every afteroon, this is exactly what she wants.
Amidst her fluttery delights, he disappears one day.
He has had an accident.
But, it's okay. He'll be back next week. They just said his foot is 'hurt'.
Weeks pass. He doesn't come. Each day, the girl feels the disappointment of hopes dashing overcoming her. Each week, from other teachers' info the girl gets the impression that it'll be 2-3 weeks more maybe.
Only after two months does the girl get to talk to him, coming to know that the accident was much more severe than they knew. He personally reassures that he is feeling fine and will come back. But, after some months. The girl has a much better April than her last two months, ticking days off.
It's 1st May. He has gone to some oter city and will settle there. The girl feels maaddened and devastated. But not yet hopeless. She contacts him and dperately tries to convince him to come back. In her desperation she unknowingly ends up expressing feelings for him. He avoids her completely, taking care to avoid every call and e-mail of hers and she can't ever hear his voice or see him again.
There is an atempt here to bring out the irony as well as the feeling of critical danger for a lover if for her the basic survival of her love she needs her love (beloved) to compulsorily not know of her love or else face detrimental consequences.
She is shattered. She begins a life of chronic depression. She feels bitter all the time and runs from being alone with herself. She has developed a dislike for food, songs, roads, views and cannot get herself to study. She is now in class 12.
She seeks solace in the classes of a boy teacher behaving like him, who claims to be insired by him, being his student. She still feels misery that is not acute but troubles her no end by being chronic.
Her institute too disappears. It has been sold by its owners. The teacher talked of was a one-third owner. She feels even more bitter to see it transform into anther institute.
Because of some reasons given in the story and her own self, she begins to feel okay with her teacher, no sign of whom she now has. She is seen to still love him. She is still not fine with her life. But, anyway she lives.
Adaptation of a true story
Binding: Paperback (Perfect Binding)
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